Black & Red

“I have been quietly standing in the shade …Watch the sky breaking All of this rain

              many a night I found myself with no friends standing near

                                                       All of my days

I cried aloud   I shook my hands What am I doing here

                                                 All of these days” 

                                                                                 -Alexi Murdoch                                                

A stormy evening matching my ever increasing melancholic mood. Not exactly  how I hoped my night to begin with  but I guess now that its here, it doesn’t bother  me anymore , the darkness, the storm , the thunder.

Ever gave it a thought that every living being has a dark side? & No! I am not refrencing to the metaphorical wild wild wolf here. I am talking about  the deep  human dark side that manages to scare off even the most dangerous animal on planet earth .

Hmm! Something to ponder upon isn’t it !

So now as I sit here  under this dark stormy night listening to Dont GO  by Josh Kamura & wretch 32 , somehow am realizing that the sound, the voice & the lyrics are hitting a bit too close to home.

For how much longer can one carry on with the many façade’s of cheerfulness  , taking every ounce in  you , from you , to be that way before getting too tired, realisation hitting  at some point that it was never worth it  &  giving in to the temptation of the darker side of life, Anger, Recklessness & Lust. 

Its  very easy to flick the OFF switch you know. Just takes like a millisecond or so to forget all the good you ever did, all the trust & all of your heart  you ever gave. Just takes a heartbeat to turn off your humanity & turn into a darker more vicious ,destructive & dangerous version of your ownself.

All the anger & backstabbing & sarcasm & cold bitting remarks seems like the best way at that time to hide yourself from the onslaught of pain.

I call it Self Preservation , others call it Betrayal & cold Shoulder

Some say “Share, show emotions ! ”, I say ” how does it make sense? how does opening up your heart to someone when you know you wont get one in return, makes sense?”

Then again piling it all up doesn’t make any sense either.

Your downfall begins when you know everything yet your keeping  it all in. You  do everything for everyone, not ever  asking in return  for a “am so glad to have you “ or  a “ I missed you” or something as plain as simple as a   “thank you” or a “sorry you had to do all of it”   .

Fact of the matter is  you did it because you wanted to & not because you had to & yet….....!!!!!

Then one day when all hell breaks loose , when everything starts falling apart infront of your own eyes, somewhere you start blaming & questioning yourself , if there was a problem in you, if something was wrong may be with you.

One day  the cold reality hits you like a loading truck , that  you have been strung along this entire time  & you could feel nothing but hatred seeping in your veins like a cold poison. 

                                                                                     Why??  

Because that is all you can feel, because its easier than crying & giving in to that unbelievable gut wrenching low blow you recieved  .

You either hurt yourself  or the others but  you hurt someone no matter what. You give in to that anger , you want to give into that physical frustration & need you feel called lust . Because ironically that pain takes you to a different kind of High , making  you forget the much bigger one & that is the pain of backstabbing & betrayal .

Lust & Anger are the masters of the Original Sin  . They go hand in hand & even though that  little voice of wisdom keeps ringing  in your head like a bad alarm clock screaming ” don’t give in, don’t back down, don’t forget your morality your humanity” , all you wanna do is kick all of your inhibitions & morality  out of the window & give in.

Its like an evil greed. You  share your physical self with someone you absolutely dont care about &  vice- versa & that’s what makes lust & anger  a lethal combination, an easy way out rather than facing the actual dilemma that is really going on .

The heart wants what the heart wants but when several people trample over it for more than just once, all you wanna do protect that tiny little piece of you with big walls & several barb wires ,   be something your not & forget what you used to be & forget it all ever happened  & do anything to make that happen.

Huh!!! Guess now I know why I’ve always been drawn to  Black & Red!!!